Men suffering in silence
So, I would like to make a disclaimer that my knowledge about how the law in relation to the topic that will be discussed in this post in very limited so for those who have the expertise please feel free to enlighten the readers on this issue.
I am a psychotherapist and I have realized that for a minimum of the past five years one of the recurring decimals that have come out of my conversations with men is in relation to the inhumane treatment that they receive from the courts when there is any form of domestic violence or allegations of it happening in the home. Now as a helping professional I want to make it clear that all men who are practicing these destructive behaviors should get professional help and cease this practice as soon as possible because the long-term impact is oftentimes rippling from one generation to the next. Therefore, get help make it priority and get it now. On the other hand, there are those men who are exceptional father’s, great partners and have a clean criminal record and have great professional relationships. All these traits that are supposed to be acknowledged as positive skills are disregarded and demonized by a judicial system and a fleet of power tripping lawyers who put men who are good citizens before the grinders of a suspicion because he was born a male, or he lost his cool and raised his voice. What message is this sending to our young men in the community about how they are automatically guilty because of their biological make-up. When will someone be vocal enough to recognize that so many men are suffering in silence feel hopeless and helpless because they feel that nothing makes any sense because nobody cares about their well-being?
An appeal to lawyers and judges
I consider myself as just a random voice crying in the wilderness that finds it quite ironic that this kind of treatment has continued in North America. So many of our judicial system is dominated by men and it makes me wonder if they are not aware of this issue or they just do not care. Why is it the judges and lawyers are not stepping up and saying this allegation was made against this man and based on his record the reports are not matching up. If he is accused as an addict lets get him in to do a drug and alcohol assessment, lets check with his employer if he has bad work ethic, lets question his children and let’s examine if this amount of alimony or child support payment is manageable and realistic. As a therapist I am literally blown away when I hear the stories about how much men are paying to their ex-partners who have sometimes moved on in a new relationship and because of a court order the man is now the soul provider for his ex-partner the children and her new partner. Is there any room to revisit and address these challenges keeping in mind that is a man messes up he is still human and should be treated as such. The big question that I would like to ask these men who are making this final and very harsh ruling is this, do you believe you are immune because you are sitting in the highchair of the court or the bar. Have you ever asked yourself what if that were me how would I feel? Is it too much to see a man whose relationship ended because of incompatibility or persons just grew out of love and there is no form of aggressive behavior should a man be asked to pay for the rest of his life for a relationship that did not work out when it was not just his responsibility?
The last time I checked the mentality was that judges and lawyers were pretty smart and I am now wondering if this is just a belief because there does not appear to be any intellect in recognizing the harm that is been done to these families when we send a dad packing because he made an mistake and let me make it clear I am not referring to men who are tyrants and are mentally unstable and are causing their partners and children to live in hell everyday of their lives. I am talking about the men who are being treated as such just because they are men. I am wondering if we have any judges or lawyers who are cognizant of this and if they are why is nothing being done? I also wonder if there is no ethical principles whereby the inhumane approach that is being purported by those in authority is alarming in every sense.
Another thought to think about is who is paying attention to some of the legal luminaries who are aggressively making it their mission to “teach them a lesson,” is this how these men of power seek to hide their own skeletons by making innocent men the target of their wrath. It also leaves another wondering is this a game that the judicial “king pins” play with civilians to feel good about themselves. In my opinion something needs to change and those who have been given the power to change it are not doing anything to address the elephant in the room. It then makes expression that says “absolute power corrupts absolutely” we need to have more compassion and make sure that the
Political representatives from all parties
I would like to go out on the limb now and do some name calling and make a specific appeal to people like Rachel Notley, Jason Kenney, Don Iverson and our 52nd minister of justice David Lametti with just one question, are you aware that this is a crisis that has gone unaddressed and unrecognized now for many decades? Like I said I am just a voice crying in the wilderness and this blog may never be shared or acknowledged but if something is not done from the highest level of our society to address the unbalanced, stereo typical way of thinking the issues that we have now as it relates to suicide, depression, anxiety will get progressively worse unless we do something sooner rather than later.
Appeal to the community
My appeal to the readers of this article is this firstly I wanted to shout out to the women who are presenting information about your spouses that is untrue, please pause and recognize that if the tables turned you would not be happy to be in your ex-partner’s shoe. He might have messed up but when you paint a picture that is false of your ex-partner you not only hurting him, but you are hurting the children that you bore together and placing them in a place where the dad that they once had is struggling to be himself because his circumstance is unbearable. I would like to make an appeal to lawyers that when you are representing clients use common sense and be humane because chances are if this were your brother or father and you know that he was innocent you probably would not be as motivated to send him to the grinders. Remember we are talking about saving families and restoring hope to the children. I Finally my appeal is to be mindful that it cannot be a one size fits all, not all men are the same and its about time we acknowledge this.
For the fathers who have not been the best example and you are dealing with this reality this article was written to acknowledge your struggle and make known to you that your current experience is the rippling effects of the seeds that were sewn with wrong motives and the fruits that were produced had long lasting effects on your life. It is time now for you to work on overcoming those issues get connected with the right sources and start to journey to recovery so that your life can be different. Take a step back from self pity, substance dependency, unhealthy lifestyle choices, anger, and resentment so that you can heal. It was not her fault or theirs it was because of your inability to control those emotions that ran wild and got you into a quicksand of chaos.
For those men who know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the accusations are not true and the treatment that you are receiving is not in line with the person you this is tuff but be encouraged and keep going. The time may be more severe than the “crime” but remember that the character of truth is the most consistent force on the planet and in the end, it must be revealed. Keep on working on self improvement you may feel bogged down, confused and unfairly treated based on the present circumstances but this is the time when you need to find a safe space and vent because it is not healthy to suffer in silence it will enhance the possibility of increased maladaptive behaviors and moderate to severe mental health issues.